Drunk Advice

Don’t do what makes you happy, do what will make you money.

Don’t go to church, religion is just a control of the masses.

Talk to our dad, he’s old, if he dies then what would you do?

Don’t go to family events, they only want more shit to talk about.

Buy them a round of shots and tell them you’re rich.

It tastes better if you chase it with a mixed drink.

If you never open the door, they won’t get a warrant to come in.

If you breathe away from the cops they can’t smell alcohol.

When the cop asks you to step out of the car, try to shake his hand.

She’ll say I love you, just kiss her and you won’t have to say it back.

You don’t need a condom if she promises to get Plan B.

Ugly girls have to be nice, it’s a rule.

Head isn’t cheating.

Don’t have sex after donating plasma, you’ll pass out.

If you get caught masturbating just say you were cleaning it.

He has pockets, let him hold your ID and phone and keys.

Let her drive, she’s the least drunk—I mean, most sober.

Whiskey will keep you warmer than beer will when you’re sledding.

Hit me, c’mon just hit me, it won’t hurt!

Leave your girlfriend a voicemail.

Get the full contact private dance.

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